Mattie Mae and her Sweet Girl : Piggy's Tender Side

I love the way Mattie Mae's home smell. The minute you walk in here you smell lemon, vanilla, butter and Rare Gold perfume. She loves that fragrance. In fact she is the reason I wear it today. Its an old school scent but I love it. Many people ask me about it. I hear her television on upstairs. Let me try and be a little quiet. I know that her and my piglet are probably still asleep. There's so much on my mind. I mean work. My piglet. I got the feds tailing me. My mama worries like hell. Mattie Mae is frayed. And then I can't stop thinking about my daddy. I miss him so much it aches. Its crazy. I go back and I try to replay the last conversation I had with him. "Daddy, when you coming home? Or if you can't come back, when can I come to where you are?" He got quiet. I could hear him smoking at the other end of the phone. "Baby girl I don't wanna tell you no tales. It really ain't safe for me in Houston right now. I don't wanna bring no more harm to you and your mama, your brother, any of yall. They wanna hang _____. That ain't gone happen." Tears flowed down my face. This was my superman and I needed him. Its crazy. My daddy a second generation bricklayer. My mother a judge. The ironies of life. "Daddy I need you." I'm whining. I'm a grown woman but still my daddy is my everything. I hear tears in his voice. "You gone be ok baby girl. I never worry about you. Even when you was first born, I knew you would be okay." This was him telling me that I may never see him again. I had just finished up at the academy. My daddy was guilty of everything he had been convicted of. He decided that he wasn't going out like Blount. He wasn't doing no time. That's all it was to it. "I need you and your brother to take care of your mama. Do that for me. I have to go away for a while Trouble." I smiled. That was his nickname for me. He said when I was born and he held me for the first time, I pulled on his heart strings and that told him I was trouble. He would live and die for my kind of trouble. I guess that name fit appropriately now more than ever. We talked for thirty minutes that last time. I feel like I didn't say everything I needed to say to him. I knew that was probably for the best. You can't run when you loaded down with square feelings. I knew that. But the selfish part of me needed him. The house is quiet. I didn't even bother going to check on my house. Look at them. She holds Cobee in her arms like he hers. My Mattie Mae is beautiful. I study the worry lines on her forehead. Seems like she wasting away though. When Sly passed, I knew she had a really hard. He was pretty much all the family she had. They never had any children. I was more than happy to let her run my life as she saw fit. Truth is in the short amount of time I'd known her, I now could not imagine my life without her. I'm getting that itch again. I had something in my car I know. I would never use in Mattie Mae's home. She didn't approve of my shoe habit. I know she prayed that one day I could kick it. I kissed her forehead and laid next to her shaking. She stirred and grabbed my shaking hand. She whispered she love me in french. "I love you too, old girl." "Courtney, go into the guest room. In the top closet there is something in there that'll help. I don't like to see you suffer baby." I wrapped my arms around her. "Go now. You gone wake your son." On the top shelf there was a pair of fuschia wedges. Steve Madden. I found a Nike shoelace and I tied it as a tourniquet around my arm. Formed a vein and laid the wedge directly on it. Head leaned back and my senses heightened. You see never mind that I am now the King of Houston. Or the fact that I'm one of the youngest black female police sergeants the city of Houston has. Long as I'm doing this, I'm just a junkie. I wipe blood from my nose and run my hands down the suede material of this fabolous shoe. I try to explain that when I use like this, its also a heightened sexual experience for me too. I'm high. Thump!! What the hell was that? I get up and I see that Mattie Mae has fallen. Except, this isn't the Mattie Mae, I know. This person is skin and bones. She's bald. The Mattie Mae I just kissed and held had a head full. Am I high? She looks up at me and I see pain in her eyes. I imagine mine are glossy. I kneel down and help her. There's a bruise on her left hip. I see the wig with rollers in it on the floor. "Cancer?" She nodded. I feel tears stinging my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?" She don't answer. I sit down on her vanity ottoman. She sits next to me. "Baby, tell you what? That I have lung cancer and its getting worse?" I couldn't stop the tears. My high was gone. "Mattie, you didn't think I needed to know? I mean what the hell- "Courtney Danielle, watch your mouth! I didn't know how to tell you. I mean I tried to explain to you when I needed you to sign those insurance papers." I refused to sign them. Mattie Mae was healthy so I thought. "How long you been dealing with this?" "About nine months, Courtney." One more thing my being King of Houston couldn't change. "So what are they saying?" She hesitated a minute before answering. "It's pretty bad Courtney. They're giving me six months." My heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest. "Six months, Mattie Mae?!! Really?" She shushed me. "Settle yourself down before you wake that baby!!!" I'm devastated. I couldn't lose her. Not now. I needed her. I grabbed the cross she gave me weeks ago around my neck and I prayed to God. When I opened my eyes she stood firm in front of me. Apron on. Wig back on and not a worry in sight. She grabbed my hand. "Come on. Let me fix my sweet girl a snack. We can talk downstairs while my baby sleeps." I followed her. Here I was. No King Piggy. No super cop. No murderer. No shoe junkie. I was a little girl who was following a woman I knew loved me more than her next breath. We went into the kitchen where she had fixed me a big piece of German chocolate cake. Hennessey and warm milk was on the table. "I love you Courtney Danielle Coyle, you hear me?" I dug into my cake and I nodded. Mouthful I said, "I love you, too Mattie." She sat before me a folder with her last wishes. An insurance policy for two and a half million dollars. "Baby, I want you to give this up. This lifestyle you living. Give it up. You're not _____. You're the best part of him. I'll give him that. But you're not him. You don't have to go down his path. That baby up there need you." I swallowed hard. I looked at my transplanted grandmother. "Is that what you want bae?" She patted my hand. I needed Mattie Mae. The shoes. The money. The status. My power. My badge. Could I really give all this shit up? Dorothy Moore sings Misty Blue on Mattie's kitchen radio. Her warm hand pats my cheek. In an instant I could lose everything. I realize that. A hard head makes for a soft curly tail. How I love German Chocolate Cake.