The Difference between LoVe and Buttah

Mattie Mae wants to make me an offer. She want me to give this life up. I've done some horrible things to get where I am. I think that's what's bothering her most. Lung cancer? Mattie Mae don't even smoke. But Sly did. She was dying and I couldn't help her. Said she had exhausted all of her alternatives. I need her. I know that may be selfish. I got a text from him this morning. It said, Thinking about you Piggie. LV would do that from time to time. That text did something to me. Made me feel good. No matter what, win, lose or draw, he was Team C.C. So what do I do? I had given up so much to just walk away from it. But I tell you that my Mattie Mae to me was priceless. How could she not tell me about this though? I felt like I've lost time with her that I may never have. Hennessey burns just a little going down. I'm seated in Mattie Mae's kitchen. She's gone back to bed and I can see the sun slowly coming up. There is so much that needs to be done around Houston. Still haven't been to sleep. Nightmares have turned into daymares too. My body and mind can't even diffrentiate between day and night no more. Want love so bad to where I overlook it. Not realizing that love came in the form of my raven beauty. From that day at Monet's when she helped while I was sick to every time she cursed me or let that .50 of hers bust, Tameika love Piggy. I don't know why. I overlook the center of calmness around me when Lv hug me and tell me to be careful. I mistake opportunity for love when I think about how even after all these years Machete Mychelle will gut a nigga for me. She love Piggy. I just chop Mike Walker's advice to me as him being wiser and my daddy's road dog to why he show me so much favor. My circle small but the people around me fuck with me the long way. And many of them really didn't want nothing from me. I still think about the jarhead. Dismiss the idea. He's a square. You'll only destroy him, Courtney. He made my birthday night nice tho. This when I cry. Wonder if he up. Probably so. Insomniac like me. I text him. Thinking of you too LoVe Walton. WYD?? He reponds, Call me. Answer on the first ring. I don't say anything. I hold my phone to my face and imagine his hand rubbing across my face moving my hair to the side. "It's okay Piggie." I cry and we continue to have a conversation with no words. LV don't judge me. He listens. He hear the things I don't say. "The nightmares won't let up bae." "I hear you mama, but you can't let that consume you. L-I-G it Reggie." I sniffle and laugh. So childish. "I love you LV. You love me?" "You know I do, Piggie." A weight is lifted off me. We hold the phone and its a comfortable silence. We don't always have to be talking. I imagine him outside on his balcony. Smoking a blunt. Expensive slacks. Steve Madden belt. Open and loose around his waist. His brown bare shoulders out because he in a wife beater. So I think about how lucky Dee is. I envy my best friend's wife. I see smoke coming out his mouth and I exhale. I love Texas boys. My tears are drying up. "Stop crying Piggie." I do. "Okay." I hear his daughter in the background. "Take care of her and call me back bae." "Ok cool. Call me if  you need me." I hung up. No square feelings, Piggy. Emotional walls girl. I was always comforted after talking to him. Guess I'm lucky in a sense but I'm still feeling this impending doom. Hell sometimes I feel like if aint no danger lurking around the corner then its something wrong. I hear my piglet stirring. "Mama are you here?" "In the kitchen bae." In spiderman pajamas and socks, this was the most handsome dude I knew. He gone be thick like his daddy. He look just like me and my mama though. He sit down next to me. "Mama, how was your day. I was sleep when you came in." "It was cool, Cobee. How was your day?" "It was great. Me and Mattie did a lot of stuff. I was scared though because she was getting tired too alot." Damn, this made me think that I would have to tell him she was sick. He don't know. How do you explain death to a child. "Mattie just bee a little under the weather bae. I don't want you to worry about it." "Well I hope she gets better mama. School about to be out and I need her." Feel like my heart broke when he said that. Now my phone going off. Its Mychelle. "Yeah." "Big Lynn ready to talk." "Okay, I'll see you soon." I hung up. Now Arnissha Lynn was seeing things our way. Reckon I didn't really leave her a choice. "Cobee what we doing today?" "Whatever we can." My baby's eyes were lit up. I knew that I needed this time with him. I'll cook breakfast and we'll go do anything he wants to do today. I hear Al Green on my granny's radio. How can you mend a broken heart. Eggs, bacon and grits as I think about who love me and whose against me. So into singing to Al Green and cooking I don't see the Gmen and five federal cars next door to my house. One is at the front door of my grandmothers. I'm like steel on the outside. They better not wake my Mattie Mae.